The Cycle Begins
Ah the rush of the perfect connection. It’s amazing when you go on that first coffee meet n greet and end up on a marathon date. You have so much in common, you seem to share the same wit and charm and the conversation never stood still. You date for a while and become like good buddies. You can be out on the town or having a date night in, doesn’t matter because the time you share is always fun.
And then things change. Once the rush subsides you start to notice this person goes from being overly attentive to overly inattentive. You will go for long periods of time without hearing from them, after days of almost constant time together or contact in between. They give you mixed messages, you think they’re totally into you but then you start to find yourself questioning that from subtle cues you get from their body language or the words they say. You notice that at times they lack an interest in your normal day to day, they seem more invested when you’re both in the “fun zone”
What the heck is this really about. When you think over the last few dating relationships you discover that this has been a common theme for you. It looks like you start off with these fireworks, fun and connection only to find yourself guessing, feeling like you’re second choice or not good enough. Why do you end up with these people who are all unavailable in some way?
You’ve Probably Heard Some Common Things Regarding Why You’re Choosing This
Some will say it has to do with the role models you had growing up
Maybe you saw your parents in relationships and one was unavailable to the other. Perhaps one was a workaholic or prioritized their own interests and needs over the relationship. Perhaps one or more of your caregivers was unavailable to you. Were they emotionally distant? Did they appear to have a lack of interest in you and your life? Were you able to communicate with them and feel heard? Sometimes our adult relationships end up mirroring our child hood experiences – simply because we think we don’t deserve more or sometimes because we don’t know any different.
Another element might be that theres a part of YOU that is unavailable.
I know this is a hard pill to swallow. Sometimes our pattern in relationships has a lot to do with ourselves. Okay usually it has everything to do with ourselves because we are an active participate in what we choose. It might be time to take a look at yourself and try to figure out what is really going on here. Perhaps something happened at some point in your life that made you believe you didn’t need anyone. Maybe you had been greatly disappointed and hurt and figured that instead of depending on others and risking that again you would just take care of business alone. Perhaps someone who was supposed to look out for you, love you and care for you, dropped the ball and didn’t stand up for you when you needed it the most so you created a tough, untouchable part of yourself in order to avoid being unprotected ever again.
These protective coping skills tend to work but only to a certain degree. As humans, we actually need each other and accepting the support of others can really go a long way in helping us become our best selves. If this description has echos of you in it, ask yourself, “How’s this working for you.” I have a feeling if it was working for you, you wouldn’t be here reading this.
So What Are Some Steps You Can Take To Stop This Cycle?
Decide what it is that you ACTUALLY want?
Do you even want a committed relationship. If you really do, you will be willing to do the work that it takes to get your mind and heart right so you can find that. You will actually make EFFORT to give a healthy, realistic relationship a chance. Write a list of things that you really want, in a partner and even just for yourself as you move forward. Sometimes when you write this out you will discover how much your previous relationships were lacking.
Go for someone who is very different that those you’ve been with in the past.
I know I know this sounds like the most uncomfortable thing in the world. The problem is, often these unavailables have had an energy about them that makes it difficult for you to walk away from. It’s very addicting and alluring but has likely stopped you from looking at the person more fully. Give someone a chance that you normally wouldn’t otherwise. When you meet them take the time to actually focus on them. After you spend time together write down some points about the interaction and what you liked about them. Try to keep yourself from jumping around person to person but really give one person your focus so you can fairly evaluate what’s happening in the relationship for you. The rush of meeting someone new is not what makes a relationship last anyway.
Proceed with Caution
If you end up with an unavailable again try to identify the feelings that tipped you off to the situation and figure out what made you feel that way. Also do some reflection on when you’ve felt like that before and make a comparison (are you feeling unlovable, are you feeling like you’re not worth it, etc) Tapping into this could possibly prevent you from walking through the experience all over again and wasting your time.
Use Your Intuition!
Pay attention to the relationship and ask yourself some questions. What is it that you like about this person? How do you feel when you’re around them? What common interests do you share? If you were to tell a friend about this person without holding anything back, do you think they would approve? Do you think they are investing in you the way you’re investing in them?
It’s Not Easy
I know it’s not easy to change this cycle you’ve found yourself in. The fact that you’re here, reading to the end, means you’re ready to figure it out. I know you can. If you need help on your journey I’d love to hear from you. Just comment below:)